Hi ya'll, I'm Shelly Mettling and girl, I don't even know where to start with my journey, so let's just bring it all the way to the beginning.
The hubs and I decided to start trying to conceive back in July of 2017, and y'all, we were so blessed to receive a positive home pregnancy test by August 2017. Like, what? For real, was it really going to be that easy? And the answer to was unfortunately, no!
After joyfully telling the family the news (because we just could't keep it to ourselves) we soon after lost our little baby at 6 weeks. With nobody experiencing this in my family, I was traumatized to say the least. What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What if I jinxed it by telling others? So many thoughts raced through my head, so many irrational thoughts, might I add!
It didn't take long to realize that I wasn't alone in this situation. There were others out there with a similar story to me and I had a platform (social media) to open up the conversation and make some connections. I threw it all out there! With a grateful yet broken heart, I openly shared my story with the world, and the outpour and love I received from woman all over the world, who were in the same boat as me, gave me so much comfort in a not so comfortable time in my life. This meant everything to me!
Deep down, something was telling me that I was meant to face these struggles, that I was meant to do something with my story, that there was meaning behind what I was going through, and that something extremely powerful could come out of something that made me feel so powerless. That feeling, y'all, gave me hope, gave me peace, gave me grace.
So My Journey Continues...
A month later, holy moly babes, a month later, we received yet another positive home pregnancy test. Amazing right? My rainbow baby was here!
Two days later it was gone. My HCG numbers didn't rise and I began to bleed.
Devastation is an understatement. I was receiving packages in the mail from my previous pregnancy, that I had excitedly ordered, rightfully so. My emotions were all blended together, I was in a constant state of shock. A small piece of that positive hope I had briefly went out the window, as now this went from what I had found to be a common thing for women, to a not so common thing.
But with my doctors reassuring me that there was most likely nothing wrong, and that it could possibly be from my IUD I had removed not long prior to trying to conceive, to keep trying and the next one will be a sticky one! So we thought, so we prayed, so we hoped!
January 1st, 2018. This is my year! How many hits can someone really take, am I right? Good is coming our way, I feel it! This same day what do you know, positive home pregnancy test. But this time, a moment normally filled with joy and excitement, had now been replaced with panic, anxiety and fear.
After a confirmed blood test at the doctors, my numbers were doubling and this was it! We had a sticky baby, but that deep down pit in my tummy just didn't go away. A few short days later, my motherly intuition told me something just wasn't right. I made an appointment with the doctor and told him I wanted my HCG levels checked once more. He looked at me like I was crazy, and reassured me it was just my anxiety from previous trauma causing panic.
I got a call that night! The words "Shelly I have bad news," came from the other end of the line. "Your HCG levels are dropping."
Wanna know what's weird? I didn't even cry! It wasn't real. I was never even pregnant, I told myself. I felt this way because by positive home pregnancy test number three, I had managed to shut the excitement down totally, because with excitement comes pain. That's sad, isn't it? I have been completely robbed of what should be one of the most joyful moments of a mother's life.
I told myself, "Okay, there is a plus side here!" We are finally going to get some answers because, as probably most of you know, the doctors wait until three consecutive pregnancy losses before most testing is done, which is bogus if you ask me. So you're tell me, us ladies just have to continue playing Russian Roulette with our emotions before we dig deeper into the issue? Alright, alright, alright. I'm not going to go off on a rant about that here, even though I have a lot to say about it.
So Testing It Is!
We checked my fallopian tubes, the shape of my uterus, I gave 15 blood samples for genetic testing and blood clotting issues. Everything came back normal. Exciting news, right? Eh, you would think! Although there was a sense of relief getting that new, it was also kinda like, "Really? So there's no explanation to everything I've been through in the last six months? Hmmmm, okay?" And now I'm just expected to keep this up? Keep trying? Insert crazy amounts of fear here.
Here I am Y'all!
Writing this post, sharing my story while I'm a few days out from ovulation. This will be my fourth cycle since our last pregnancy lost and second cycle on Promethium, a progesterone supplement, and baby aspirin, because at this point, it's the only possible solution to what's been going on. Wish me luck! My emotions are intense, the sleepiness side effects are savage, but I'll do anything to end this rollercoaster. Hoping for the big fat positive, but also fearfully terrified of it. I know you ladies in the similar situation understand what I'm saying here, but we gotta push outside our comfort zones, face our fears, and continue to get stronger to get what we want our of life, right? And that goes for just about anything we face in our 100 years on this Earth.
There is one thing that I will be taking with me moving forward and one thing I wish for y'all to take with you as well, and that is soak in the joyful moments! A few days ago I was listening to a podcast where they repeatedly explained the number one regret most have at the end of their lives is not fully enjoying the joyful moment, because with joy comes easy heartbreak, and we as humans protect ourselves from that. That is exactly what I did with my last pregnancy, I ignored the joy instead of embracing it.
My next positive home pregnancy test I'm gonna party, non-alcohol kinda party, of course. But, I'm going to scream, I'm going to cry, I'm going to dance, I'm going to celebrate! Because no matter how long it lasts, hopefully nine months, I refuse to be robbed of this moment as a mother. My baby, no matter how far along, deserves to be loved and recognizes. Yours does too!
I would love to connect with you babes who can relate to my story, we in this together, so add me on Instagram and shoot me a message.
Or, subscribe to my YouTube channel where I have made it my mission to talk about the moments that are so rarely talked about.
If you want to follow Shelly on her journey and be inspired by one of the most fearless and authentic people I know, please scoot over to her Instagram and subscribe to her channel on YouTube.
Not only will you be able to follow along, but your support allows her to reach even more people who need her wit, fearlessness and candor.
Get after it Shelly, can't wait to watch you change the world!
The Sown Seed
Belly, birth & beyond. Our mission is to help women embrace change, find inner strength and live with unapologetic joy.
the sown seed/2018