Infertility is “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.”… (WHO,2018). A label I never thought I would have to bear. There I sat at the doctors office being labeled.
How could this be, I was young, healthy, and active. It must be true, the doctor diagnosed it and I had a miscarriage before. So the doctor prescribed clomid. Once the clomid wasn’t working they sent me to the infertility clinic downtown. A whole clinic dedicated for this new label I was given. I was in shock. My husband was supportive of the whole thing, came with to the first appointment at this clinic. He even was willing to do his part, he got tested.
When he received the call that he wasn’t the problem, my heart sank. I started blaming myself, of course I’m the problem, something is wrong with me, I can’t do the one thing a woman was to do. I felt alone, I went to a dark place. Close friends and family that knew what was going on tried to help make me feel better, but nothing helped. Because I was the problem. I can’t have kids. I was never gonna have someone call me mommy, kiss a hurt knee when they fell. I was labeled as infertile.
Starting the Journey
My husband and I started the long journey of IUI’s. The medication, the shot, and the final appointment of injecting the “viable” sperm inside of me. Each month we did IUIs was a roller coaster of emotions. At the beginning of the month I was on top of the world, this was the month that it was going to work. I could feel it. I prayed. Only to be let down by the end of the month. Having to grieve the whole process each month was horrible. As the months went on, the grieving process progressed, it got harder and harder to continue on with the process of IUIs.
Finally, the last month I said this is it. Im done doing this.. I got pregnant. I was so excited, happy and over the moon with joy! We finally did it! I was closely watched, ultra sounds, and blood being drawn. I was five and a half weeks pregnant, just barely pregnant when the doctor told me something was wrong. They drew my blood again and my levels dropped. A week and some days go by.
The doctor himself called me, you know it’s bad when the doctor calls himself. He told me that the baby was in my tube. He started explaining my options, I wasn’t listening, I was heart broken. I took the call when I was at work. I will never forget that call, when he told me I nearly collapsed to the ground. I sat down, and started to cry. I felt alone, yet surrounded by people.
At seven weeks pregnant I was forced to abort my baby. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. After the appointment, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to be around people, so I went straight to my works day away of training. I cried the entire time driving from the doctors office to the work event.
After that, my husband and I decided to take a few months off of IUIs. I personally just needed to get my head back on. So we took our time. Once we regrouped, we went back to the clinic.
A couple more months went by of failed IUIs. At this point we had been doing IUIs for a little over a year. The doctor called me into his office, to let me know that he will only do one more IUI on me. If this IUI does not work we would need to consider IVF. Well, I knew we couldn’t afford that. So if this next IUI failed, then we were done with the infertility clinic. The IUI failed. I felt like this was it, I’m done. I was so angry with myself, that I couldn’t keep a baby past seven weeks.
I sank even deeper into the hole I was in. My support team of family and friends were doing everything they could! They were amazing through the whole process. My husband was loving, caring and attentive to my needs during it all. But I think even he was at a loss as to what he could do to help. It is hard to help a loved one when there is nothing you can do to help them.
I gave up on the dream of having a family. My husband gave in to the crazy idea of adding another dog into the mix of our already fur filled house. So we welcomed Mia, a rescued puppy into our home. Her siblings are Marshall and Belle (a cat).
A Different Option
Some time went by and I finally caved on going to go see a holistic healer that my friend kept wanting me to go to. I called my mom and asked her to come with me. My mom dropped everything she had planned for that day to come with me. So off we went to Hudson Wisconsin.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But I stuck with the holistic healer, and the program she put me on. I was going to see her once a week. Six months into seeing her, I find out I’m pregnant. In disbelief, my husband and I just wait it out. We tried not to get to excited. As we have been here before, to only lose the baby. The doctors were able to find the heartbeat at five weeks, it was a strong heartbeat. Tears flew down my face when I heard the thump thump thump.
A couple days later I get a phone call, my grandma has died, we knew it was coming as she had Alzheimer’s disease. The funeral was happening in Florida. My husband and I flew to Florida. I was seven weeks pregnant. The entire time, thoughts were going through my head that I was going to lose the baby in Florida at my grandmothers funeral.
Each week that went by, I got more and more nervous that I was going to lose the baby. I was put on high risk pregnancy, because of my history. The doctors wanted to see me weekly, drawing blood and ultra sounds to check on the baby.
I made it out of the first trimester. The second trimester. The third trimester. I am still in disbelief that I have a child. I was labeled infertile
The Sown Seed
Belly, birth & beyond. Our mission is to help women embrace change, find inner strength and live with unapologetic joy.
the sown seed/2018